A difficult issue for me, at least

I might have mentioned I live in South Carolina: Charleston specifically. This is the city of my dreams, after living for 13 years in my other favorite city in the USA: NYC. I spent summer vacations in an around Charleston through all of my formative years, I have always loved the romance and beauty of the city, and eventually I got myself here permanently.

The thing is, while I did all this adoptive imagining in NYC, where resources and options are more than plentiful - bountiful - Charleston, as lovely and sophisticated as it is, isn't on par population or multi-culturalness as places in the north east.

Of course in picking my placement agency that wasn't an issue - I had them all the choose from. Unfortunately, my home study agency has to come from South Carolina....and due to mileage considerations, the closer to Charleston, the better.

Anyone who has been watching the adoption headlines knows that several of the South Carolina adoption agencies have not had the greatest track record. Not all of them, of course, but hmmmmm. I have to say too that those that I have attempted to contact regarding my homestudy have been less than impressive. And this, my dears, is scary. I mean, even the evil scary ones are supposed to lull you into submitting that first payment to them. But nothing. They don't even want to email or call me back. Its ridiculous:

me: dear agency, I need a homestudy and I will pay you money. I live in Charleston. I understand we share a state.
agency: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
me: I'm sorry, here is an email/phone message I thought I sent/left, but I must have messed up. Please contact me regarding my questions about your home study process, fees and timeframe.
agency: (2 weeks pass by) Please fill out this application form, pay x dollars and we will be in touch.
me: (to myself) FU.

So here I sit, with no home study agency, which is a major issue, as this is the very first big step. argh.

Fortunately, my placement agency heard my thinly veiled email complaints and basically bent over backwards to supply me with every name of every agency that could possible work (I need one with Hague accreditation). Now I've just got to make some more phone calls.

argh. I am disgusted.

To tell or not to tell... who should be "in" on this adoption?

It was easier talking to people about this when it was just a maybe. Yes, sometimes I was shocked at people's reaction. Most were good, but some were absolutely horrified that a well educated girl who is financial secure and emotionally healthy would even consider being a single mother! Egads, the horror!

For example: I was reading a book on single mother adoption on a train ride a few months back and this lady who had been sitting with me pleasantly and chatting for several hours saw it, and proceeded to tell me she though what I was doing was horrible. Not that I asked or brought up the subject. She then managed to say a couple of incredible rude comments, and declaring herself a good Christian pushed passed me. I have no idea how she justifies her unbelievable closemindedness, judgementalness and rudeness as Christian. People like that burn me up: she ruined my day and made herself a horrendous reflection on a religion that prides itself on kindness to others. Of course you wouldn't be reading this rude lady, because that would be a mind-expanding exercise, but I can tell you there are PLENTY of Christian, Jewish and other very religious single mothers by choice out there! Whew, its been 2 months and I'm still mad about this :)

What has been great so far in the 'I might be doing this phase' of my life was that nearly ALL people who know me well, and matter to me, were very positive. Whew. And I really did worry about it!

So now that I have made the decision and actually sent in a few dollars backing my decision up, who to tell, who to tell. I guess its a little like getting pregnant in that you don't want to tell too soon. "What if it doesn't happen!" I tell myself. Though its different from getting pregnant as most people are very supportive of pregnant mamas. I am not so sure of the real supportiveness of all my friends and acquaintances. And I've found that even though 95% of them will be supportive, I'm not really ready to have even one critical friend right now.

So here's what I've decided: I have a great group of women friends who were by my side for more than a decade of our 20s and 30s living life large. They are irreplaceable. I am going to tell all of them (there are 6 of them), as even if I tell one of them word would get out faster than a wildfire anyway. We now live in 4 different states among the 6 of us, but they are still very close, and I just don't think I want to go through this process without them. 2 of them, the ones with children of their own (us NYers move very slow on the mommy track!) I've already told... and the rest will follow in the next week or so.

BUT, aside from them, and my parents and siblings, I am not telling anyone else. A lot of the relationships I have down here in Charleston are new, and I just don't want to be judged on this just yet. Not everyone approves of single motherhood by choice, which is their prerogative, yet at the same time blab on and on about how inspiringly independent and resourceful I am. What do you think?

Unlike pregnancy, I can pretty much keep this up until there is a little one in my home! I'm not sure I will take it this far, but I am considering it.

Newish friend: "Can you come to dinner tonight"
Me: "What are you serving?"
Newish friend, slightly annoyed: "Shrimp, grits and chardonnay"
Me: "Sorry, my daughter won't eat that, she's still struggling with the gerber apricot"
Newish friend: "who is this?"