Brain Blockage, aka nothing going on...

At the beginning I was trying to make this a twice a week blog.   So far I have been relatively successful, but these are becoming trying times!   I do appreciate those of you who keep checking in for new posts.  I know you are sometimes going away disappointed but it does my little ego good.

So here's one of the big lessons of adoption that I've learned:  sometimes things take time.  More time than you'd expect.   Any list checker like myself can make themselves nuts over this.   Just because you can make a mountain out of molehill in less than 20 seconds, it takes the non-profits all over the world ages to make a extra large sized molehill out of a molehill.   

Hence, for days I've just had nothing to talk about.  Unless you want to know about my personal life, and even that has been rather on the boring side as of late.    I can make one simple statement: living in Charleston, SC is fantabulous.  period end of story.

Anyhow, today, a post finally hit me, as I mulled how little was actually getting done on my adoption.  Lets talk about TIMEFRAME... also known as non-interested 3rd party realistic timeframe (NITPRT for short).     

To start I think its important to realize there are three timeframes that really exist, two of which you are either completely or partially in control of, one of which you have nothing to do with and you better get used to that fact.

1) The first is the research portion of this endeavor.  This isn't just a good idea, its a necessity.  Despite what any agency in this country will tell you, International Adoption isn't very regulated.  Its scarily unregulated.   And the people that usually bear the brunt of this are the prospective adoptive parents and the children.   It is essential that you do your research on the agency you choose.   It is more important than any other choice you will make.    It took me about 2 months of solid calling, internet surfing, forum joining and adoptive parent talking-to for me to get comfortable enough with what I was looking at to make a choice as to my agency. I don't know that you can go any faster.  Many PAPs get cold feet and this process can go on for months and months and even more months.   Its up to you. 

2)Once that part is over it is onto the homestudy and dossier portion of this marathon.   Finding a homestudy agency is one thing.  Then then process is another.  If you happen to live in the state where your placement agency is licensed, wohoo to you: use them.  But for the rest of us who live in states without a lot of easy choices, you've got to pick one.   This is where I stand now.   All the forums I've read say to be as diligent as you were picking your placement agency because this is the one thats going to be doing your reports for maybe the next 18 years!   So far I have dragged my feet nearly a month in choosing my homestudy agency.   Once I get a move on, everyone is estimating that this homestudy process is going to take 3 or 4 months.  

This homestudy and dossier process is also helped or hindered by how fast you, the parents are at getting the myriad of paperwork done that both governments need for you to adopt.  Much of it is in triplicate, attested, apostilled, etc.   It also has to do with how many states (or heaven forbid countries) you have lived in, because they will track you and your activities down.   Getting police reports from 2 states is a lot less onerous than say, someone who was in the military, has lived in 13 states and 2 foreign countries.    Also having a name like Jane Jones isn't going to help your cause here either.

3)Finally, the wait and wait stage.  When your dossier is together (that is all of the above documentation and homestudy approval) and submitted to your country of choice you begin the wait for the other country process.   This is where you cannot speed up or slow down the process.  You just wait.  And hope like heck the country doesn't change its policies against you.  This can be anywhere from 3 months to 3 years if you are picking China.    My agency has noted a time of about 9 months for Kazakhstan, and from evidence I believe them, but depending on your agency Kazakhstan can range from 9 mos to 15 mos.   Russia is longer.  Ethiopia shorter.  I'd suggest asking your agency and then adding a quarter to make your expectations realistic.  Agency, and other good people generally want to give you what is possible: but as we all know, yes, I can make it to work in 20 minutes... but only if all the stars align, the bum on the corner does a jig, and half the city falls sick. Otherwise it really takes 30. 

I guess there is one more timeframe:

4)Once you have either travelled to choose your child, or a child has been selected for you, a referral (which you have accepted) from the sending country, there is also a timeframe for when that child actually comes home with you.   For many this is between  a month and 3 months.  Sometimes more. 

For me so far my time frame looks like this:

Research: 2 months

Homestudy pick: 2 months

Homestudy: 3 months

Getting invited to travel: 9 months

Back home with child: 2 months

Estimated total time for Kazakhstan: 18 months.  A year and a half.  So there you have it.  Its better for me to be realistic now, and live accordingly, then to be thinking I'm spending Christmas with my new little wonder. 

And, I am completely okay with that.   After all, I've waited 35 years to be a mom, popping birthcontrol like a nut, another couple of months isn't going to kill me.  

A difficult issue for me, at least

I might have mentioned I live in South Carolina: Charleston specifically. This is the city of my dreams, after living for 13 years in my other favorite city in the USA: NYC. I spent summer vacations in an around Charleston through all of my formative years, I have always loved the romance and beauty of the city, and eventually I got myself here permanently.

The thing is, while I did all this adoptive imagining in NYC, where resources and options are more than plentiful - bountiful - Charleston, as lovely and sophisticated as it is, isn't on par population or multi-culturalness as places in the north east.

Of course in picking my placement agency that wasn't an issue - I had them all the choose from. Unfortunately, my home study agency has to come from South Carolina....and due to mileage considerations, the closer to Charleston, the better.

Anyone who has been watching the adoption headlines knows that several of the South Carolina adoption agencies have not had the greatest track record. Not all of them, of course, but hmmmmm. I have to say too that those that I have attempted to contact regarding my homestudy have been less than impressive. And this, my dears, is scary. I mean, even the evil scary ones are supposed to lull you into submitting that first payment to them. But nothing. They don't even want to email or call me back. Its ridiculous:

me: dear agency, I need a homestudy and I will pay you money. I live in Charleston. I understand we share a state.
agency: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
me: I'm sorry, here is an email/phone message I thought I sent/left, but I must have messed up. Please contact me regarding my questions about your home study process, fees and timeframe.
agency: (2 weeks pass by) Please fill out this application form, pay x dollars and we will be in touch.
me: (to myself) FU.

So here I sit, with no home study agency, which is a major issue, as this is the very first big step. argh.

Fortunately, my placement agency heard my thinly veiled email complaints and basically bent over backwards to supply me with every name of every agency that could possible work (I need one with Hague accreditation). Now I've just got to make some more phone calls.

argh. I am disgusted.