Brain Blockage, aka nothing going on...

At the beginning I was trying to make this a twice a week blog.   So far I have been relatively successful, but these are becoming trying times!   I do appreciate those of you who keep checking in for new posts.  I know you are sometimes going away disappointed but it does my little ego good.

So here's one of the big lessons of adoption that I've learned:  sometimes things take time.  More time than you'd expect.   Any list checker like myself can make themselves nuts over this.   Just because you can make a mountain out of molehill in less than 20 seconds, it takes the non-profits all over the world ages to make a extra large sized molehill out of a molehill.   

Hence, for days I've just had nothing to talk about.  Unless you want to know about my personal life, and even that has been rather on the boring side as of late.    I can make one simple statement: living in Charleston, SC is fantabulous.  period end of story.

Anyhow, today, a post finally hit me, as I mulled how little was actually getting done on my adoption.  Lets talk about TIMEFRAME... also known as non-interested 3rd party realistic timeframe (NITPRT for short).     

To start I think its important to realize there are three timeframes that really exist, two of which you are either completely or partially in control of, one of which you have nothing to do with and you better get used to that fact.

1) The first is the research portion of this endeavor.  This isn't just a good idea, its a necessity.  Despite what any agency in this country will tell you, International Adoption isn't very regulated.  Its scarily unregulated.   And the people that usually bear the brunt of this are the prospective adoptive parents and the children.   It is essential that you do your research on the agency you choose.   It is more important than any other choice you will make.    It took me about 2 months of solid calling, internet surfing, forum joining and adoptive parent talking-to for me to get comfortable enough with what I was looking at to make a choice as to my agency. I don't know that you can go any faster.  Many PAPs get cold feet and this process can go on for months and months and even more months.   Its up to you. 

2)Once that part is over it is onto the homestudy and dossier portion of this marathon.   Finding a homestudy agency is one thing.  Then then process is another.  If you happen to live in the state where your placement agency is licensed, wohoo to you: use them.  But for the rest of us who live in states without a lot of easy choices, you've got to pick one.   This is where I stand now.   All the forums I've read say to be as diligent as you were picking your placement agency because this is the one thats going to be doing your reports for maybe the next 18 years!   So far I have dragged my feet nearly a month in choosing my homestudy agency.   Once I get a move on, everyone is estimating that this homestudy process is going to take 3 or 4 months.  

This homestudy and dossier process is also helped or hindered by how fast you, the parents are at getting the myriad of paperwork done that both governments need for you to adopt.  Much of it is in triplicate, attested, apostilled, etc.   It also has to do with how many states (or heaven forbid countries) you have lived in, because they will track you and your activities down.   Getting police reports from 2 states is a lot less onerous than say, someone who was in the military, has lived in 13 states and 2 foreign countries.    Also having a name like Jane Jones isn't going to help your cause here either.

3)Finally, the wait and wait stage.  When your dossier is together (that is all of the above documentation and homestudy approval) and submitted to your country of choice you begin the wait for the other country process.   This is where you cannot speed up or slow down the process.  You just wait.  And hope like heck the country doesn't change its policies against you.  This can be anywhere from 3 months to 3 years if you are picking China.    My agency has noted a time of about 9 months for Kazakhstan, and from evidence I believe them, but depending on your agency Kazakhstan can range from 9 mos to 15 mos.   Russia is longer.  Ethiopia shorter.  I'd suggest asking your agency and then adding a quarter to make your expectations realistic.  Agency, and other good people generally want to give you what is possible: but as we all know, yes, I can make it to work in 20 minutes... but only if all the stars align, the bum on the corner does a jig, and half the city falls sick. Otherwise it really takes 30. 

I guess there is one more timeframe:

4)Once you have either travelled to choose your child, or a child has been selected for you, a referral (which you have accepted) from the sending country, there is also a timeframe for when that child actually comes home with you.   For many this is between  a month and 3 months.  Sometimes more. 

For me so far my time frame looks like this:

Research: 2 months

Homestudy pick: 2 months

Homestudy: 3 months

Getting invited to travel: 9 months

Back home with child: 2 months

Estimated total time for Kazakhstan: 18 months.  A year and a half.  So there you have it.  Its better for me to be realistic now, and live accordingly, then to be thinking I'm spending Christmas with my new little wonder. 

And, I am completely okay with that.   After all, I've waited 35 years to be a mom, popping birthcontrol like a nut, another couple of months isn't going to kill me.  

The Ugly Truth: Adoptions cost real money. So what is the cost of Adoption?

It is the truth, adoptions cost money. And no, it isn't the same as buying a baby. Well, if you are that unethical, indeed there are people and countries who will sell you a baby, but the thought of that is so disgusting to the majority of adoptive parents that I won't even dignify it with a comment.

Most USA adoption agencies, be they international or domestic are non-profit organizations. Some are more non-profit than others. By this I mean there is a span of what the directors and employees earn. I mean 60k to 190k or more. Because of their tax and legal status this is all available publicly, so while this probably won't be the biggest influencing factor in your agency decision, it is nice to know what your adoption dollars are supporting.

So why do adoptions cost money? Ahh, there are a lot of reasons. First the practical. There are administrative costs for your agency, who indeed has to pay people to show up every day, answer the phone, know the business. Adoption without an agency is likely to end you up in a very unscrupulous situation unless you've paid the right FOR PROFIT people (aka lawyers) to get it done ethically.

Second you've got the administrative costs on the other end. Internationally this means everything from court and legal fees, medical fees, orphanage donations, and hiring of staffing in the foreign country. Domestically this can mean anything and everything including hospital and prenatal care for the birth mother. And for both you've got the fees and add-ons that make our own country turn, fbi report here, immigration expense there, etc.

Third, internationally, equalling nearly half of the adoption expense in countries with long stays, travel and housing in country costs a bundle. Think about staying 6 weeks in a hotel... just the cost of that is thousands of dollars. Many places with international adoption needs are the kind of places where middle of the road housing doesn't exist. You've either got tourist hotel or hovel. Others, like Moscow, are expensive expensive cities. Imagine staying in a simple Holiday Inn in NYC for 6 weeks, and you've probably got the expense just about right. The flight costs are also hefty because a)you often have very little notice so discount rates are bye bye as are frequent flyer miles. And, often, your child-to-be doesn't live in an international gateway. Another flight (or two!!!) are required to get there. And for those countries requiring 2 trips, this is going to happen to you twice!

Fourth, you've got grease the wheels money. I wish I could say this didn't exist, but anyone who thinks it doesn't is majorly in denial. Countries that are poor are often also corrupt. At least to some extent.... they go hand in hand. That is one of the reasons they are poor. Whenever there is a large dichotomy between the classes you will find 'inflated prices' for services. Americans, Britons, the French, Italians and Canadians most likely aren't going to pass as Russian, Bulgarian, Kazakh, Vietnamese etc. It is a Catch 22, as paying it breeds more grease money, but not paying breeds fewer children who make it out of institutional hell. And it would be nice to say that refusing this behavior will end it, but in my experience, be it beggars in Cairo, rental apartments in Buenos Aires, or the local rate in Girona, Spain, when there is the reality or perception of wealth differential this "added tax" is a fact of life.

I choose to look at #4 this way anyhow. I have travelled the world over and have also chose not to get roaring angry when the cab driver in Bolivia charges me 4x the amount as a local because it is what it is, and they wouldn't be doing it if a)they didn't really need to, and b)they couldn't unilaterally get away with it. And sometimes, when I stop to think about it I realize 60 boliviano's really is only $2.50 and my outrage base on principle makes me one first world idiot. It is worth the extra $1.50 to get a peaceful cab ride. At least its for a service performed that I asked for.

Personally, the part of the equation that is most unsettling to me is the orphanage donation part. What!!!!? you say!!!! Before your indignation makes you click off to the comments section with a nasty-gram, let me explain. Yes, I too want to save the children. All of them, everywhere. I have actually had first hand contact with needy children in my travels. Its ridiculously heart-wrenching. BUT... yes, here's the but, the orphanage donation part of the equation is the part that tends to go the corruptest the fastest. Yes it is true, $2000 dollars might be a good sum to you, but to an orphanage where children live on $1.45 a day, this is an enormous sum. Now multiply that by the 30-100 adoptions that happen every year at that orphanage and you can see what I'm saying. Just who, exactly, is benefitting most from this 'donation'?

Money like that leads quickly to a)orphanages seeking children to adopt out, b)orphanages giving favors to adoption agencies or programs 'donating' the most, and c)some very well off orphanage directors and employees. Now this isn't every case. But systematic 'required' or even 'suggested' donations aren't the same as real donations and we all know it. And in many cases the money once donated isn't in the donatees hands as to how it is used. Heck, we generally don't even understand the language.

Anyhow, I will step off my soapbox now, as I don't know how to change this, particularly as many countries support this method of adoptive practice. If it makes you feel better (it does me), it isn't just for adoption. As an example, the Russian government treats even basic tourists to their form of governmentally approved extortion. Not only do you need to pay a visa, but you also have to get someone who 'knows' you to sponsor you in country. Now how many of you know someone in Russia? Exactly. So, basically there are people who will sponsor you for the minor fee of $100 dollars. And this is just for the privilege of stepping foot in their country, you can imagine how the average business in Russia works. And Russia is not alone, lets just say that.

I guess the bottom line is to what extent for YOU makes sense as far as weighing the prices to be paid. What is the boundary for you where it becomes morally, ethically or principally too much and it is better off for all children of the sending country if you do not adopt the one child. And there is a level, as bad as it sounds. Yes, the one child will most definitely be better served to be adopted, but at what cost to future children. Its a VERY tough call. The children in todays orphanages are not going to benefit from orphanage reform 15 years from now - so what do we do til then? Sacrifice them for the greater good?

Hard hard.

A difficult issue for me, at least

I might have mentioned I live in South Carolina: Charleston specifically. This is the city of my dreams, after living for 13 years in my other favorite city in the USA: NYC. I spent summer vacations in an around Charleston through all of my formative years, I have always loved the romance and beauty of the city, and eventually I got myself here permanently.

The thing is, while I did all this adoptive imagining in NYC, where resources and options are more than plentiful - bountiful - Charleston, as lovely and sophisticated as it is, isn't on par population or multi-culturalness as places in the north east.

Of course in picking my placement agency that wasn't an issue - I had them all the choose from. Unfortunately, my home study agency has to come from South Carolina....and due to mileage considerations, the closer to Charleston, the better.

Anyone who has been watching the adoption headlines knows that several of the South Carolina adoption agencies have not had the greatest track record. Not all of them, of course, but hmmmmm. I have to say too that those that I have attempted to contact regarding my homestudy have been less than impressive. And this, my dears, is scary. I mean, even the evil scary ones are supposed to lull you into submitting that first payment to them. But nothing. They don't even want to email or call me back. Its ridiculous:

me: dear agency, I need a homestudy and I will pay you money. I live in Charleston. I understand we share a state.
agency: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
me: I'm sorry, here is an email/phone message I thought I sent/left, but I must have messed up. Please contact me regarding my questions about your home study process, fees and timeframe.
agency: (2 weeks pass by) Please fill out this application form, pay x dollars and we will be in touch.
me: (to myself) FU.

So here I sit, with no home study agency, which is a major issue, as this is the very first big step. argh.

Fortunately, my placement agency heard my thinly veiled email complaints and basically bent over backwards to supply me with every name of every agency that could possible work (I need one with Hague accreditation). Now I've just got to make some more phone calls.

argh. I am disgusted.

My adoption fears

There are no real statistics online (or maybe anywhere) for how many adoptions go wrong. Even the statistics perhaps grudgingly given by each adoption agency on number of 'disrupted adoptions' doesn't really get it right. There are plenty of adoptions which don't work, even though the family continues to be family. This is my number one fear: my adoption will not work out. But I have tons of fears about this process. Some days I feel overwhelmed by them and think I am setting myself up for disaster.

Other days I try to keep the fear in check. Today is not one of those days. I read an article on a Canadian woman who summarized Kazakhstan as one of 'the most corrupt' adoption processes out there. She was presented baby after baby and child after child who were sick children, despite she was told there were healthy children available. My second biggest fear. And as much research and reading as I do, I cannot connect these dots. How is it that some parents report that they meet a few children, all look pretty good and healthy, and they go home with a little son or daughter. And then you have the others where it seems that someone in that process all along was planning on screwing them?

Anyhow, in short, here's what I worry about on freakout days, and I'm pretty sure its not abnormal.

1)I bring home a child who has attachment disorders or other permanent emotional disorders and bonding never occurs
2)I go to Kazakhstan for my adoption and all I find is lie after lie after corruption and bribes
3)I am shown only children that I am not prepared to adopt
4)I find that the medical reports etc are lying and my child has some severe medical issue that was covered up.
5) I find that my child has some severe medical issue that was UNdiagnosed!
6)The adoption process in Kazakhstan stops for whatever reason, and after waiting for a year or more I will have done all this for nothing
7) Fooling so long with the adoption and having it not work out, and then finding out that I waited too long to have a biological child.

I also have fleeting, what if this whole thing is a mistake stuff, but that actually is pretty rare.

The benefits of adoptive 'birth' vs live birth

Tonight I was out drinking at a sushi restaurant where I broke one of my newly established rules of not telling new people too much. I am just too excited at the moment to keep my big flap shut. Thankful, my new friend Sandy was happy for me. She said, "you're expecting!! Lets have a toast!" Now thats not something a normal expectant mom would probably be hearing. I'm sure the people in the next booth over were highly disturbed, but thats what they get for eavesdropping. It got me to thinking about the so-called benefits (for lack of a better term), of the adoption process. Often, adoptive parents of infants tend to reflect more often on those thing that you miss out on and the negatives. So, its quite fun to think about things with a twist. So here's my list:

1)I can drink unabashedly through all 9-12 ( or even 15+) months while expecting.
2)I have the chance to really do all those things that I want to do, without worrying about bonking the baby in the head.
3) my body will not have to lose baby weight and snap back after the physical toll that pregnancy tends to do the 35 year old women.
4) I can travel and get the rest of this travel bug out of my system for the time being. I know its crazy, but it is hard for me, as it is one of my true passions.
5) My sleep will not be disturbed UNTIL the baby gets here
6) No morning sickness (unless I do too much of #1)
7) Strangers don't have to know I'm expecting. They won't ask me when my baby is do, or decide rubbing my belly is socially acceptable!
8) I can be nearly 100% sure my child will have no birth defects such as down syndrome, asperger's.
9) My daily dose of excedrin, coffee, and any sort of cold medicine I might need to take is FAIR GAME!

To tell or not to tell... who should be "in" on this adoption?

It was easier talking to people about this when it was just a maybe. Yes, sometimes I was shocked at people's reaction. Most were good, but some were absolutely horrified that a well educated girl who is financial secure and emotionally healthy would even consider being a single mother! Egads, the horror!

For example: I was reading a book on single mother adoption on a train ride a few months back and this lady who had been sitting with me pleasantly and chatting for several hours saw it, and proceeded to tell me she though what I was doing was horrible. Not that I asked or brought up the subject. She then managed to say a couple of incredible rude comments, and declaring herself a good Christian pushed passed me. I have no idea how she justifies her unbelievable closemindedness, judgementalness and rudeness as Christian. People like that burn me up: she ruined my day and made herself a horrendous reflection on a religion that prides itself on kindness to others. Of course you wouldn't be reading this rude lady, because that would be a mind-expanding exercise, but I can tell you there are PLENTY of Christian, Jewish and other very religious single mothers by choice out there! Whew, its been 2 months and I'm still mad about this :)

What has been great so far in the 'I might be doing this phase' of my life was that nearly ALL people who know me well, and matter to me, were very positive. Whew. And I really did worry about it!

So now that I have made the decision and actually sent in a few dollars backing my decision up, who to tell, who to tell. I guess its a little like getting pregnant in that you don't want to tell too soon. "What if it doesn't happen!" I tell myself. Though its different from getting pregnant as most people are very supportive of pregnant mamas. I am not so sure of the real supportiveness of all my friends and acquaintances. And I've found that even though 95% of them will be supportive, I'm not really ready to have even one critical friend right now.

So here's what I've decided: I have a great group of women friends who were by my side for more than a decade of our 20s and 30s living life large. They are irreplaceable. I am going to tell all of them (there are 6 of them), as even if I tell one of them word would get out faster than a wildfire anyway. We now live in 4 different states among the 6 of us, but they are still very close, and I just don't think I want to go through this process without them. 2 of them, the ones with children of their own (us NYers move very slow on the mommy track!) I've already told... and the rest will follow in the next week or so.

BUT, aside from them, and my parents and siblings, I am not telling anyone else. A lot of the relationships I have down here in Charleston are new, and I just don't want to be judged on this just yet. Not everyone approves of single motherhood by choice, which is their prerogative, yet at the same time blab on and on about how inspiringly independent and resourceful I am. What do you think?

Unlike pregnancy, I can pretty much keep this up until there is a little one in my home! I'm not sure I will take it this far, but I am considering it.

Newish friend: "Can you come to dinner tonight"
Me: "What are you serving?"
Newish friend, slightly annoyed: "Shrimp, grits and chardonnay"
Me: "Sorry, my daughter won't eat that, she's still struggling with the gerber apricot"
Newish friend: "who is this?"

More and more research: Domestic vs. International Adoption

Adoption is not for the faint of heart.  I can already say that and I'm just getting started.    First, there is deciding where to adopt from.    For me, this was made easier by being a single mom and choosing to start my mommyhood with an infant child.    

Despite what many people choose to believe, domestic adoption currently has about 5 times as many waiting parents for infants as their are actual infants to be adopted.  Thats why you see these ads everywhere saying 'we will be great parents to your child' or the like.   The US, fortunately, has come a long way since the 50s where single mothers were treated as pariahs and the children were often abandoned or quickly brought to orphanages.   Since then, the stigma of single motherhood has vanished and birthcontrol methods have brought down the number of babies put up for adoption.   Not only that, but as study after study has shown the horrible effects on children in institutional settings, the USA now has a foster care system.  It isn't perfect, but it is a holy heck of a lot better than the orphanage system of the past!  

So, anyway, to get back to the point, domestic infants have plenty of options in our country, and while there are definitely children to adopt through the foster care system, most are older, and many are there in hopes of being reunited with their birth family.  Which, by the way, in most cases is a very good thing.    If I was choosing to adopt an older child though, I would definitely give this a try.  Maybe one day I might!

So, on to international adoption.  Oh, the horror stories.  And they are horrible. Corruption, fraud, bribery, baby stealing, and the list goes on.   But the thing is many many children are adopted each year that are not touched by these things.    Just how do you pick the right country, and the right agency to guide you through the minefield? The key here is research.  Research like you've never researched before.     Like you had to write a thesis on it!

I can tell any potential adoptive parent (pap) that I researched for months.  I contacted probably 10 agencies, narrowed it down to 4, then to 2, and then I just knew.   Well, wait a second, thats not exactly the truth.    I knew enough to summon up the faith required in adoptions.  

Not that I go on faith alone mind you. But I'll get to that.   Along with talking to agencies I spoke with multiple recently created adoptive families.  There are great online resources for this.   I talked and talked and posted and read.    I quit the whole research process twice, spooked.   But I came back.  I read some books on adoption and reviewed the forums yet again with adoption advice.

At some point you will find an agency whose got a lot of good recent reviews, works in a country that you feel good about and you qualify for, and you personally really feel good about.  For me it was the director working with me on the contract.   After reviewing financial contracts for most of my adult life, I can tell you that all of the ones I saw were grossly in favor of the adoption agency, which in my opinion is in direct opposition to an ethical adoption.    This is where I decided where faith would end and legalese would take over.   And my agency was okay with my concerns.   Anyhow, to each her own, but the stars that made a difference for me lined up and I jumped in. In the middle of the night, ran out in the pouring rain and put the preapplication in the mail :).   Some things are better done dramatically.

Now, here's where real faith will start, because now, aside from doing enormous amounts of paperwork, everything is in the hands of 3 groups of people: my agency (acting as my advocate, and the child's advocate), our government, and other country's government.   

Do you want to know which country my little one will hail from?  If all goes as it should, it will be Kazakhstan!

In the beginning....

...There was an enormous amount of research.  Books read, websites perused, stomachaches created.   Ah, not the norm for becoming with child huh?   

Well, I have never been 100% conventional, and after quitting an all encompassing career, traveling much of the world, and moving to the town I'd always dreamed about, I decided that being a Mom was something I always wanted to do.    Much the same as many new mommys-to-be, but here's the catch with me.  I am a single girl, who is recently enough out of a relationship to realize that my child-bearing years could very well be behind me before actually finding Mr. Right.    

I went through many nights of contemplating single motherhood.   Did I think I could raise a child by myself: yes, I could.  I think I will be a great Mom.   Am I ready for it: is one ever really ready for such a life change?   Do I have time?  Finally, Yes!  Would it be fair to child?  

Now this is the big question, and I honestly do think I can provide a loving, caring household.   My family is large and will be there for me and this child.   And, unlike myself, and so many other children, my child will never have to live through divorce.     And unlike single mothers that are not by choice, I will be prepared for the issues that a single parent household can create.   

There are those out there that may disagree with my choice, just as some disagree with divorce, and I respect their choices for themselves, just as I hope you can and will respect mine.   There are many many children born into this world that will have way less in life than will be offered in my family.  Quirky or not.    So, yes!   

Speaking of children with way less that they should have, I have always been drawn to adoption.  I think it has come about through my travel to 3rd world countries, though I can't really be for sure.   I definitely feel a citizen of the world, and my upbringing and travel lend itself to feeling like adoption is right for me.     

Yes, I am still fertile, and yes I could get pregnant with a biological child.   And if my chosen path doesn't happen, I might still do that.  For now though, I have to go with my gut, and my gut says that there are millions of children out there that need a family.   

So here I go!  Boy is it a relief to finally make this decision and start moving.