Sunday, April 5, 2009

More and more research: Domestic vs. International Adoption

Adoption is not for the faint of heart.  I can already say that and I'm just getting started.    First, there is deciding where to adopt from.    For me, this was made easier by being a single mom and choosing to start my mommyhood with an infant child.    


Despite what many people choose to believe, domestic adoption currently has about 5 times as many waiting parents for infants as their are actual infants to be adopted.  Thats why you see these ads everywhere saying 'we will be great parents to your child' or the like.   The US, fortunately, has come a long way since the 50s where single mothers were treated as pariahs and the children were often abandoned or quickly brought to orphanages.   Since then, the stigma of single motherhood has vanished and birthcontrol methods have brought down the number of babies put up for adoption.   Not only that, but as study after study has shown the horrible effects on children in institutional settings, the USA now has a foster care system.  It isn't perfect, but it is a holy heck of a lot better than the orphanage system of the past!  

So, anyway, to get back to the point, domestic infants have plenty of options in our country, and while there are definitely children to adopt through the foster care system, most are older, and many are there in hopes of being reunited with their birth family.  Which, by the way, in most cases is a very good thing.    If I was choosing to adopt an older child though, I would definitely give this a try.  Maybe one day I might!

So, on to international adoption.  Oh, the horror stories.  And they are horrible. Corruption, fraud, bribery, baby stealing, and the list goes on.   But the thing is many many children are adopted each year that are not touched by these things.    Just how do you pick the right country, and the right agency to guide you through the minefield? The key here is research.  Research like you've never researched before.     Like you had to write a thesis on it!

I can tell any potential adoptive parent (pap) that I researched for months.  I contacted probably 10 agencies, narrowed it down to 4, then to 2, and then I just knew.   Well, wait a second, thats not exactly the truth.    I knew enough to summon up the faith required in adoptions.  

Not that I go on faith alone mind you. But I'll get to that.   Along with talking to agencies I spoke with multiple recently created adoptive families.  There are great online resources for this.   I talked and talked and posted and read.    I quit the whole research process twice, spooked.   But I came back.  I read some books on adoption and reviewed the forums yet again with adoption advice.

At some point you will find an agency whose got a lot of good recent reviews, works in a country that you feel good about and you qualify for, and you personally really feel good about.  For me it was the director working with me on the contract.   After reviewing financial contracts for most of my adult life, I can tell you that all of the ones I saw were grossly in favor of the adoption agency, which in my opinion is in direct opposition to an ethical adoption.    This is where I decided where faith would end and legalese would take over.   And my agency was okay with my concerns.   Anyhow, to each her own, but the stars that made a difference for me lined up and I jumped in. In the middle of the night, ran out in the pouring rain and put the preapplication in the mail :).   Some things are better done dramatically.

Now, here's where real faith will start, because now, aside from doing enormous amounts of paperwork, everything is in the hands of 3 groups of people: my agency (acting as my advocate, and the child's advocate), our government, and other country's government.   

Do you want to know which country my little one will hail from?  If all goes as it should, it will be Kazakhstan!

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